Boy meets girl and they fall hopelessly in love. Then follows a season of whirlwind romance, a fairy tale wedding, and they live happily ever after…That’s the storybook version of reality. The truth is a lot less flattering. For many couples, romance takes a back seat and love probably dies altogether after a few years of marriage, leaving only a sense of obligation and perhaps shame at what society would say if… That’s why the rates of marital conflict, abuse, violence, separation and (ultimately) divorce are increasing the world over. It makes little difference whether you are looking at liberal, western societies or conservative, more traditional ones. The statistics are equally frightening.
Based on over 20 years of experience and several years of observation and research, it is clear to us that love and true friendship begin to depart many relationships from the wedding night or the morning after. But this usually happens so slowly and imperceptibly that most people don’t notice until a few years down the line – when the yelling, arguments, cold treatments and sometimes physical violence become regular. It’s as if weddings are the climax of love and true friendship while marriage is its anti-climax. And this is not new; it has been with us for centuries at least. Alexander Pope, the famous 18th century English poet and satirist, once wrote that “They (couples) dream in courtship but in wedlock wake.” The great Queen Victoria herself, the 19th century English monarch, also observed that “A marriage is no amusement but a solemn act, and generally a sad one.” And more recently, the 20th century American journalist and humorist, Helen Rowland, offered this perspective: “Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.”
So, what is it about “marriage” or wedlock that often turns love birds into combatants? We have identified five of them.
#1. Social pressures & over-expectation
You often hear it said that when people get married they become “responsible.” That’s code word for taking on additional duties and obligations; and sucking out the fun from a thriving friendship. The man assumes the title of “Breadwinner” while the woman becomes “Homemaker.” As if they were total morons before then. With such seriousness and formality injected into a young, flowering relationship by society, pressure immediately begins to mount on the young couple. They lose the carefree innocence of single life and courtship. They begin to take themselves too seriously. Of course, most people don’t do well under pressure. We reviewed tons of case studies on long, happy marriages and found they had the following in common – laughter, playfulness and humor.
#2. Excessive Role Sorting
“It is the man’s job to put food on the table, make repairs around the home, clean & fix the cars, and drive when the family is going out together. It is the woman’s role to prepare the meals, mind the children, clean the house and go for grocery shopping,” right? Right! We all grew up with these role sorts consciously and subconsciously etched on our minds. So, whenever a man or woman “fails” to perform his or her role, we feel that something is awfully wrong and demand immediate compliance. Whatever reasons they may have sounds like excuses. This subconscious rigidity of roles and perspective often translates to unreasonableness and failure to bear with one another in times of weakness. Ultimately, it damages marital relationships.
#3. Over-familiarity
After wedding, couples move in together and begin to live “as one.” They share the same room, the same bed, the same toilet, etc. Marriage counselors, the clergy and elders say that’s the way to go. To live otherwise is taboo. What such conventional wisdom often fails to recognize is that alongside the intimacy it builds, excessive closeness also breeds conflict for many couples. As they say, over-familiarity breeds contempt. When we first began living together after our wedding, we quickly realized that we had to make adjustments or suffer. One of us snores (don’t ask who) and it doesn’t let the other sleep. So, after a few troubled nights and the miserable days that followed, we amended the rules: it was ok to sleep in separate rooms, except on special nights and by mutual consent. We have had no troubles in that department ever since. In fact, whenever we sleep together it is really special and we have grown to look forward to it. Ours is proof that “distance” makes the heart fonder. Imagine if we were not smart enough to alter the prescriptions of the marriage experts to suit our circumstances. We might have fought severally over a purely involuntary action like snoring. And who knows what else those fights might have led to.
#4. Spousal Dependency Syndrome
The primary purpose of marriage, we know, is companionship – committed companionship. That is why the words, “for better, for worse” are part of the marriage vows. One of the unintended consequences of companionship however, is that individuals become excessively dependent on their partners – for one thing or the other. Men commonly become lazy and incompetent around the home and kitchen because their wives pamper them silly on those fronts. Women who coped fine whilst they were single suddenly become emotionally handicapped and sometimes over-dependent on their husbands to function financially. Over time, we put an unfair burden on one another at functional, emotional and financial levels. When our partners complain or are simply unable to bear those burdens, we feel cheated and resentful. We even feel justified to retaliate. Cracks develop and the union is threatened.
#5. Mission Accomplished Mentality
Especially during courtship, both men and women put up their best behavior and appearances. It is a universal and reflex action by most animals (yes, humans are animals too) to woo the object of our affections. After marriage however, both sides tend to drop their guard. The good manners, carefully chosen words, clothes and fragrances drop out of sight. They feel accomplished. There’s nothing more to prove. Some of the very acts that endeared us to our partners during courtship are abandoned. From the women you begin to hear that the men “no longer care” or are “no longer romantic.” From the men you begin to hear that the women are “nagging” or getting fat, untidy and “dramatic.” These are telltale signs that partners are taking each other for granted. If unchecked, danger awaits.
To avoid being a victim of these common challenges, we have the following simple prescriptions.
A. Don’t allow the pressures of becoming “responsible” or “married” to get to you after your wedding. You have been responsible all your life and always risen to challenges when they come. Like going through school, passing your exams, getting a job and holding it down. This one won’t be an exception. Don’t expect too much from yourself and your partner. You’re neither Super Hero nor Power Puff Girl. You need a sense of humor and playful engagement to get through the joys and challenges of married life – not a sense of impending Armageddon.
B. Don’t build a Chinese wall between you and your sweetheart with a rigid role sort. True, each one must know their primary responsibility and face them. But be prepared for them to fail several times along the way each day and to gamely reach out and give a helping hand. For example, if your wife is struggling with baby-sitting, happily take up the duties. After all, it’s your baby also. And if your husband is temporarily out of work or low on cash, assume the role of breadwinner without grumbling. It’s your family as well. Do not complain. The measure you give is the measure you will receive.
C. Don’t allow anyone bamboozle you into thinking that you must choke your partner with attention & presence to be happily married to them. There may be practices that work for most, but feel free to change the rules if they don’t work for your own union. Never allow yourself to feel too familiar with your partner to take them for granted or be too dependent to choke them with demands. Give each other enough room for self realization and self expression. A little “distance” or “independence” as in the time of your courtship may actually be what you both need to sizzle through marriage feeling like spring chicken.
D. Always treat your partner like your friend or your date. Not like “husband” or “wife”. Those two words have assumed toxic properties over the years. Live as if you are in permanent courtship. Remember that you have to put in some work and charm to keep your partner’s choice pro-you. That is the secret ingredient that makes courtship so exciting. Keep your marriage going that way.
We may not be able to change how society has unwittingly turned marriage into a fearful “institution” any time soon. But we certainly can change the way we think, feel and go about our own marriages. And that’s what really matters.
Victor and Ngozi Anazonwu dated for seven years before getting married 22 years ago. They have been through the highs and lows of marriage and now consider themselves “experts” by virtue of experience. Sharing that experience through this article is one of their 20th anniversary resolutions.
