If I was well connected with the power hierarchy at the National Assembly or the APC, I swear I would have landed a multi-billion Naira contract by now. Yes! I would accept nothing less because I would be providing an important solution to a major national problem. As you know, contracts sums must be in their billions nowadays to be worth considering – thanks to new benchmarks set by the NDDC.
Contract for what, you ask? Well, to deliver a high-power training program to our distinguished senators and honorable members of the House of Representatives on “Etiquettes of Parliamentary Probes & Procedures.” It is a training program that is long overdue, I believe, considering that every attempt by our lawmakers nowadays to perform their statutory oversight responsibility quickly turns into a huge embarrassment. So, to save NASS from further ridicle is a matter of urgent national importance.
First, it was Festus Keyamo, Minister of State for Labor & Productivity. He appeared before a committee to field questions on the progress of the 774,000 jobs program that is supposed to deliver a thousand jobs to each of Nigeria’s 774 local government council areas. But kaboom! The meeting soon degenerated into verbal fireworks.
The lawyer and one-time civil rights advocate (don’t ask me what he really is now) dug into his old “aluta” skills to masterfully fend off the legislative pack of wolves who had all but descended on his pet project. Sensing danger once the lawmakers asked the press to leave the venue, Keyamo played a fast one. He said if the hearing was in the public interest then the press had to be part of it as eyes and ears of the public. I was impressed. Keyamo, as a Warri boy, quickly remembered to use the press to achieve his goal – as he always did. And with that singular move, he put the parliamentarians in their place and stormed out.
Few days later, we heard that the junior minister had received a presidential nod to proceed with the program. Leaders of the National Assembly led an angry mission to the Villa and even threatened to rethink the “cordial relationship between the executive and the legislature.” But from all indications, that was a face-saving trip that led nowhere.
The matter was still simmering when the gang from NNDC arrived Abuja from the creeks. Between Joi Nunieh, Prof Pondei and Minister Godswill Akpabio, they made Keyamo’s verbal fisticuffs with the lawmakers look like a rehearsal.
And then came the “political godfather of the east”, Chris Ngige. In his epochal exchange with Hon James Faleke, we heard (for the first time in public) of a coven for political juggernauts to which both Ngige and Bola Tinubu belong! So secret was this “club” that even Hon Faleke (a lightweight juggernaut in his own right) did not know about it – until he was reminded that he was a “small boy” by the inimitable Ngige. So now we know…
But I digress. My real point is that each public sitting of a parliamentary panel in Nigeria now brings fresh rotten eggs (if there is anything like that) on the face of our revered National Assembly members. It is like unveiling a masquerade in slow motion at the market square. Where I come from, even the thought of it is an abomination. It attracts dire consequences for those involved and the community at large, including incurring the wrath of the spirits!
It is to halt this spate of national “abominations” that I offer my services as contractor/consultant to NASS on training and re-orientation. My CV and corporate profile as an expert in this line of work are both highly impressive, even if I say so myself (wink, wink).
But, poor me. I am not even a card carrying member of the ruling party in my Ward. Nor do I have “a note” from Senate President Ahmed Lawan or Speaker Femi Gbajabiamila. So, it is only in my dreams that I can win this mouthwatering training contract. It doesn’t matter that the National Assembly is in dire need of my services. And I am in dire need of a jumbo contract to bail out my business and private finances. Everyone knows that real needs and competencies do not determine who gets what jobs and contracts around Nigeria.
Nevertheless, as a patriotic citizen (I wonder how many of us are still left), I have decided to deliver herewith, openly, and FOR FREE, an abridged, bullet point version of my training notes to NASS. Call it my humble contribution to national development. Here it goes:
First, our lawmakers must know that “Parliamentary Oversight” is not the same as Parliamentary Hijack. This point presently seems lost on them, which is why they are often accused of playing the role of consultants and contractors to MDAs.
In fairness, this did not start today. It began during the Obasanjo administration when parliamentarians cornered the so-called constituency projects earmarked in the budgets for their zones. Ever since, they have been behaving like domestic dogs which tasted raw flesh; they want more and more. But this must stop. One cannot be a pastor in the morning, a pimp at night. It’s called conflict of interest.
Another point which I must share with our lawmakers in my dream presentation is that a parliamentary probe, enquiry or public sitting is a fact finding mission, not a mob, lynch party or witch-hunt. This means that the primary objective is not to embarrass or humiliate anyone who appears before them but to establish basic truths so as to make policy recommendations for improvement.
Closely related to this is that, like in a court of law, all persons appearing in a probe are presumed innocent until facts suggest otherwise. But unlike a court of law, there is yet no “accused” and no “plaintiff.” Things are still technically in neutral gear. Therefore, questions must be fair, civil and asked in such a manner as to give respondents the best possible chance of answering without fear or intimidation.
Apparently missing this point, our lawmakers erroneously see themselves as prosecution counsels on a mission to nail the “accused.” So they come across as overly aggressive and with their minds made up on the guilt of their “victims.” This automatically puts them on a collision course with those appearing before them. The result: they get equally aggressive pushbacks or overly evasive responses, including real or simulated fainting spells.
Honorable Faleke’s barrage of questions to Labour Minister Chris Ngige, which led to the now famous “small boy” speech, must be classified as a ballistic missile loaded with nuclear warheads and intended to cause maximum damage. Little wonder the “Jagaban” of Anambra politics quickly took cover in his underground bunker as a Lagos Boy.
The final point I would wish to make to our distinguished and honorable lawmakers is that respect is earned through exemplary conduct, not extracted by force, intimidation and threats. If the 9th Assembly wants to be take seriously, it must purge itself of greed for contracts, financial settlement and power grabbing. It must stop seeing itself as a rival of the executive arm of government. It must conduct itself with dignity and decorum. As one Tyre brand rightly proclaims, “Power is nothing without control.”
Let me end with a little parable.
A young kite once returned to its nest with a chick it had just snatched from below. But before it settled down for lunch, Mama kite asked:
“What did the mother hen do when you snatched her chick?”
“She screamed, flapped and cursed until I couldn’t hear anymore,” came the reply.
“Well, in that case, you can have your lunch in peace. She has done her worst already. But beware of any bird which stays calm when you snatch her chicks. You must return such chicks promptly.”
“Why?” baby kite asked, confused.
“Because you cannot trust anyone who remains calm under provocation. They are far more dangerous.”
I hope that members of the 9th Assembly learn from the kite to stay calm even under contract temptations and executive malfeasance. That way, their moral force will be significantly improved.
Victor Anazonwu, a journalist and communication strategist, is author of the book, The 8 Habits of Highly Ineffective People (amazon.com, 2019)
